First, Id like to say a couple things..... 1) Why does my dog continuously have to shit outside my bedroom window so when I open my curtains to see the sun light I see dog shit. 2) Why do little girls change 9 million times and ask 10 million questions and 3) Whoever said you could eat "anything in moderation" lied their asses off.
I'd like to point out that cars are amazing things by the way...they're adorable, you get to pick a cute one out, they get you to fabulous places, you dont have to take public transportation, but then one morning you wake up to find that your car hates you and wont work so you have to shlep your almost 2 year old son and 5 year old niece to Pep Boys where the boy is running throughout the aisles throwing funnels everywhere while the girl is trying to help and grab him, however, because the boy is too heavy, the girl is dragging him by the neck while he's screaming, all while trying to explain to guy at the maintenance counter that you're having problems...clearly not just car problems.
Let's also talk about "baby carts". Trader Joes is so amazing....they oh so kindly offer a small version of your cart for your crazy child to use while you shop. This is the WORST invention ever. Where they once sat in the available seat in YOUR cart, they now want their own cart to push through the aisles. I initially thought, "oh how cute".. now I want to burn those fucking things. Colton runs through Trader Joes throwing any food items he can reach into the cart...the strawberries are always at an amazing child level, so when he throws those in there, they bust open and go everywhere...but no biggie, Colton's not worried, he'll just eat them off the floor while Trader Joes people are coming up to me asking me if I "need help" ummmm ya think?! I need lots of help...like Xanax help with a shot of Patron....I then collect my child and take the baby cart away and he then proceeds to scream the rest of the time we spend there. It's super awesome....especially when they offer 5 feet of stickers at checkout...like, ya...lets go tag my car interior with all that shit.
If you have a toddler son and you're trying to plant a veggie garden this is a bad idea. You also should NOT let his grandmother give him two toy swords as a gift.....see action sword pic below....
..Mom, are you crazy?!....these will become weapons of mass destruction. I will definitely be bringing these back to your house so he can annihilate your calves with them :)
What I've learned about little girls and little boys thus far..... boys fuck up shit...they can't just hand you something.... they want to throw it at your face. Girls fuck with your mind. And sleep like this.....with jewels on...
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Clearly I'm 7 weeks out to my bikini show and a little edgy. Going to places like the "Packing House" and not being able to indulge in any of the amazing treats makes for a sad day, however, I'm one of those people that for some reason has to ALWAYS be busy. I need challenges and chaos. Maybe it's from growing up in a house with 6 people and 1 bathroom. My mom wont admit it, but she's the same way. Speaking of my mom, she's super talented and creative...she's like a hot hippie abstract painter married to a judge with abs...its kind of hysterical. She lives on a ranch with horses and she's a power woman...she can do anything....except understand my eating habits. While visiting her last week we went to lunch. I brought my Tupperware lunch as bikini chicks do and as the waiter approached me asking what I'd like to order, I kindly said, "I wont be ordering any food, thanks." She then proceeded to tell the waiter that I'm on a "funky, weird mom diet." Did we need to share that? For those of you who dont know my mom let me give you a little back story. My mom says anything that's on her mind..she doesn't hold back or filter....sound familiar? ;)
While growing up, she told the other moms in the PTA that "Jack Hannah, the animal guy made her moist." One time she saw Mike Rowe, the guy from the show "Dirty Jobs" (you know, the hot scruffy guy) in an elevator and looked at him and said, "Mike Rowe?" he said, "Yes" and she continued with "Have I got a dirty job for you." I also recall a very uncomfortable situation where she told a male flight attendant that if he was any cuter "we'd be slipping and sliding in here." Geezus.....she also somehow picks up an accent if talking to someone with one....If you're Irish, she's Irish.
Mom, you need a roast...I love you, but please dont ever make scallop potatoes for me ever again..I liked those when I was 9 and stop having Costco's red velvet cake readily available on the counter when we come home. My 34 year old ass cant handle it. XO.
Insane Bikini Momma
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