Week 4 - Are you testing me?

Let me just start out my witty rant this week by explaining how the universe brought people into my life that literally fucked with me.....

First, I went to the local farmers market. Harmless...organic fruits and veggies, maybe some pretty flowers for my house, and as I walked thru the aisles heard several voices saying, "come check out my salsa and chips," "come try my bundt cakes," "come try my kettle corn".... (now when I say voices, I mean there were people actually talking...I'm not going insane yet...at least I think) and then I came across a table of jams. That's right, fruit jams of all flavors. Adorable packaging, cute labels, but still I can't buy any. Too much sugar, don't know measurements or how many calories in each serving. I mean I could guess, but you know what they say about guessing and dieting..."you're still chubby"... (well, actually no one says that, I'm just assuming that's how it works). Anyway, the jam people wanted me to try a sample and I was like, "no that's okay," in a very nice tone, and then they said, "what, you don't like jam" and I was like, " yes, of course I like jam" and then they were like, " I mean, our jam is good " and I was like " ya, I'm sure your jam is good" and then it turned into me in the shopping mall walking by those kiosks where people want to straighten your hair, give you a sample or "ask you a question" and all I wanted to do was scream and yell, "I'm on a fucking diet!!!! I don't want your damn jam!! I'm sure it's good!! Probably delicious, but fuck off!!!!"
 Leave me alone crazy jam people!!!!

I'll now move on to my mani pedi. I'm a new mom to a 10 month old who rarely has time to herself so this was a treat! My girlfriend took me to a new place in Orange to get our nails done. I was excited, ready to relax and clear my head, had my protein shake in my purse if I got hungry....and then....they offered me champagne...complimentary champagne. When does that ever happen?! I said "no thanks" and sat back in my massage chair. Then....THEY BROUGHT ME A FUCKING PLATE OF CANDY!!!! I'm not even kidding, here's the photo for proof.

 How does that even happen?!?! Where's my US Weekly or People mag?! Geezus! (managed to avoid the candy plate...thankfully there was a very strange assortment..you know, butterscotch and strawberry hard candies...who likes those?! Yuck)

And finally, my Saturday bridal shower situation...... Here's the deal, this was the biggest event for me since starting to eat clean and I could not fuck this up! I wouldn't have missed it, but I knew it was gonna suck balls. I packed an apple and my taco bowl which I had pre measured at home (4 oz ground turkey, 1/2 c black beans, 1/2 c brown rice, 2/3 cup corn, lime and cilantro). Its kind of awkward, to say the least, having to ask the host if you could use their microwave to heat up your lunch. BUT, a bikini momma must do what a bikini momma must do! And seriously, you would never have believed what they served at this shower!!! A 6 FOOT, AS TALL AS MY HUSBAND, BURRITO!!!!! I have never in my life seen anything like it! (please see larger than life burrito below...2 actually)

 And on top of that, someone made homemade chocolate marshmallow pops and chocolate covered strawberries! Why is the universe so damn cruel?! And I don't even want to get into the corset cake....the boobs alone could have fed a starving family in Africa. But, let me say, after all that, I stayed strong. Didn't indulge, stayed true to my 1700 calories and the world didn't end. On a side note, I recommend dragging your 10 month old to these types of festivities, because you will have absolutely no time to even consider picking up a marshmallow stick (good boy my busy Colton).

Lastly, I just want to express to all of you who read my blog weekly (thank you), that in only 4 weeks I've seen some major results. Not only in the way I look, but also in the way I feel. If I would have only committed myself to 4 weeks months or even years ago, look what I could have done. And I've learned sadly, in the last month, that it's ALL ABOUT THE FOOD. If you can't change it, you won't ever get the results you're looking for. It's such a simple thing to know, yet a much harder thing to do. But if you never do it, you'll never know how darn fabulous you can be.

Here's my half naked bikini shot this week (funny how I DON'T regret NOT eating that burrito or marshmallow yesterday ;)

 June 16 2013       June 23 2013                                       June 30 2013

Insane Bikini Momma

Week 3...You are such a bitch.

As I sit here journaling my 3rd week, I'm realizing how many more damn weeks I have left of this transformation or maybe I should rename it "new way of life." This week is kind of a bitch, because I'm on my damn period (might be an over share but I'm at a calorie deficit so guess who doesn't give a shit) and I just want a VERY large piece of chocolate cake...ill really take any flavor actually....I may even feel compelled to take one out of the trash if I saw one. And of all nights, the new episode of "Housewives of Orange County" had a scene where they were serving CAKE martinis. Fuck...you.... There were even SPRINKLES on the rim...ugh. And can I just say, that I love how those housewives will drink unlimited glasses of champagne, but won't eat any carbs. Cracks me up.

 I'll move on and share that I survived the need for sugar after having a conversation with my husband about food and "why I feel I need sugar," which by the way, I don't recommend. Geoff and I have lived the last 10 years knowing that I just have no desire to discuss food with him. He is a crazy person who just doesn't love sweets that much. He'll say he does, but people it's just not true. This guy could eat fucking ground turkey tacos, eggs, chicken sausage and potatoes for the rest of his life and be content...... (wait, I take that back, he did eat an entire Costco pecan pie on thanksgiving a few years ago...but that just proves my point! People who don't need sugar are crazy and will end up binging. Rewind blog entry to me wanting trash cake). In the past, if I talked to Geoff about food and didn't make any changes, I would then NOT be allowed to vent, scream and throw my clothes out of the closet if they didn't fit. Anyway, the moral of this long convoluted story is "don't break down and eat trash cake..this urge will go away, you have a goal and my husband is a freak." And as Merrill Norrdin (some fit bitch I know) would say, "nothing tastes as good as strong and fit feels." and I'm pretty confident she's right.

So, lets chat my workout this week at Train Insane Gym...4 days of fun consisting of push press, burpees, double unders, box jumps, toes to bar, wall balls, dead lifts, hang cleans, row machine, running and pull ups  (yes ma'am, this bitch knows how to do a real pull up!..thank you very much). And I also spent a 5th day hiking and 6th day walking around at Disneyland, but I'm pretty sure Geoff would say that doesn't really count :/ (what should count though, is that I packed a lunch for the day and managed to eat clean while watching everyone else eat corn dogs and cotton candy. A small part of me had a sweet craving, but then I noticed the waistline of the people eating those things and I envisioned my future bikini body so I chose to not go there. It was honestly very empowering). You really have no idea what you're capable of until you try..I mean, who would have thought I could master 10 double unders unbroken and a real freakin pull up! I'm just gonna say it....I'm kinda feelin like a stud. Now, just a little advice for any young people reading this, instead of getting felt up behind your high school gym (hypothetically speaking of course) you should join a jump rope team....you never know how it can change your life later (well, at least keep you from looking like a cutter with jump rope slash marks on your arms).

On another note, some big things have happened this week on Facebook. I somehow managed to inspire a few other women to join me in this bikini show journey and as it goes, are inspiring their friends to either do the same or at least get their shit together when it comes to food and fitness....and don't forget what happens when you decide to do a bikini show...that's right! You write a blog! So don't worry about not having enough to do, you can read all of the bikini blog goodness! I mean, if that doesn't make you feel guilty or light a fire under your ass than you're screwed! Natasha (coach at Train Insane) said to me yesterday, "I've figured out the key to every woman getting in shape. You just needed to sign up for a bikini competition." So, feel free to hop on the bikini bandwagon at any time ladies! (but just so you know, we've already reserved our "bikini suit colors," so don't fuck with us...were hungry ;).

As I lie here, watching "Pitch Perfect," while my baby sleeps and Geoff is online doing research for my competition, I have a slight rush of anxiety. And it's not about the food or the workouts or the fact that I wanna look like the picture below and I'm wondering if that's to much to ask, but more about what stripper heels and jewelry I'm gonna buy and how ill find the perfect mermaid hair extensions. Clearly, my priorities are a little fucked up ;)

                                                          Can this be me? PLEASE?!!!


Finally, I'm posting last weeks photo along with this weeks photo to compare (if there even is a comparison yet)....only 5 and a half months to go! FUCK!!!!!

                                                      
                                            June 16th 2013                            June 23rd 2013

                                                         

Insane Bikini Momma

Dear week 2, I kicked your little ass!

Woohoo! Another week down! I'm feeling great (aside from being constantly sore) and stayin super strict on my food. I have a lot of people asking me how I'm staying away from sweets and all I can say is I guess I've given up so many good things lately that I figure what's one more sweet to not have or one more glass of wine to pass on, and on top of it, those are the things that have hindered my success and put me in this miserable place. So I love em, but I fuckin hate em!

I wanted to share that I got pretty creative this week. My girlfriend wanted to do lunch out at Gabby's in the Orange Circle on Saturday for her birthday and all I could think about was," FUCK! amazing chips and salsa and margaritas in my face all afternoon!?? Ahhhh!!!" I just couldn't risk being a failure if I had a weak moment worse case, so I offered to host the lunch at my house! I mean, who would turn down an adorable girls luncheon hosted by one of your best friends?! NO ONE! And I prepared little sandwiches, salads, and sliced fruit...along with a cheesecake (ya someone else brought that...fuck you Ashlie ;) and bottle of champagne for the bday girl! I measured my food before hand and ate it on the same plates as everyone else at the same time and no one looked disgusted or died....I also realized how much damn food I regularly consume at parties and half the time I'm not really even hungry its just an activity (note to self: bring apples to apples to next party).

When Cara and I were discussing food, I literally needed her to set me up with exactly what I was supposed to eat....not that shit with calories and fats and proteins written down...I needed the "this is what you put in your mouth at this time" plan. You know, for dummies..(Cara will tell you that this is not a good idea because you need to "learn how to eat according to your calories," but I will tell Cara, "look bitch, im a sleepless, stressed out, multi tasking, now calorie deprived chubby mom of a 10 month old, so write it down!") So, we met somewhere in the middle and we mapped it out :)

 Now, I'm not gonna lie and say I LOVE the chicken I get to eat twice a day...pretty sure I choke it down...but I feel better in my clothes so I'll get over it. One of our members asked me the other day how I can cook on Sunday and have that food the whole week...I mean, what if Wednesday I wanted something else? Well, here's the thing I've learned...your flat abs and toned butt don't give a shit what else you want on Wednesday. Sooooo, we gotta suck it up and put our fitness panties on and deal with it! (I sound like such a professional :)

Personally, coming from someone who isn't naturally a fitness girl or lover of the gym, I think the key is to put your business out there and make yourself accountable.  It's easy to give up or lose motivation if no one knows what you're trying to accomplish, and signing up for something whether a show or photo session or booking a vacation in a tropical place and buying the suit of your dreams is an absolute MUST!!!! Who the hell is going to sign up for a bikini contest or pay for a pinup photo session and show up chubby!!! NO ONE!!! BUT! You have to pay for it in advance so you're in it to win it!!

Lastly, since I have no shame, I've included my really before( ignore the nipple pads), kinda before and in the process today pics (don't judge) for you to check out. I'm posting these to also hold me accountable, because I don't want to have to post my "after" looking like one of these! So, since I've got a lot of work to do I'll be ending this post and heading to the gym....good evening wall balls, pull ups and piece of shit burpees! Bikini show! bikini show! bikini show!


 September 30th, 2012 (Colton 6 wks old)                  

March 12th 2013

June 16th 2013

Week 1- I'm Actually Doin This!! Ahhhhh!!!

So, I just finished week 1 of my 6 and a half month bikini show transformation! The show is Dec 14th in Culver City, and thank god they had a "novice bikini" category :) I decided to sign up for this show because 9 months ago I had my first baby, and I never imagined I could still be SO out of shape at this point.

Before I was pregnant, I have to say that I kinda half ass'd everything. I mean, was I in amazing shape? NO. Did people ask me at the pool if I work out? NO. Did I work out consistently and cut back on sugar and wine? NO. Did I just get an amazing airbrush tan, wear heels at the pool, cover my ass in a cute sarong and hope that my big augmented boobs would  just take away from any noticeable cellulite and only take pictures from the side? Fuck yes :) I've never in my 33 years ever had the body of my dreams. I've worked out and dieted like crazy for at most 30 days, and I still didn't quite understand that this was kind of a lifestyle change and not just a crash diet situation :/..damn....( and side note- screw you Amanda and Leah for your skinny, long legs..I'm your sister so whose genes did I get?! Our mom said "You have your ice skater grandmothers body" ..huh?! ya, caaaaause I look like an ice skater....not....but thank you mom.) 

While pregnant, I enjoyed weekly servings of 31 flavors, In N Out, and 7-11 slushies! It was summer and hot as hell! Most people commented on how I was "all belly," but my doctor had to have several talks with me about how I had to "slow down" or I'd be 200+ lbs giving birth. (I wondered if Geoff paid him to say that ;) I continued to enjoy eating for two and managed to gain close to 50 lbs. Ahhhhh!!!! It's so funny when you look at other moms eating shit while pregnant and think "I'm gonna eat healthy and work out when I'm pregnant", but no matter what, you're gonna indulge and your swollen body can't seem to manage a workout aside from walking towards the end :/...When I left the hospital, I swore there was another baby still in there...wtf?! I asked Geoff one morning, "Were my legs this big while pregnant?" and his sweet, charming reply was " Ya, I think you just didn't see it with your belly in the way" (Thanks a ton dick...clearly, he's very honest). So, needless to say, this started my quest in getting back in shape or at least getting back to my pre-baby body!

 After 9 months of going to the gym 4 days a week consistently and eating " better," I've lost around 25 lbs. The only thing that is driving me nuts is the fact that I've been stuck at this 157 number on the scale and still feel like shit. I'm literally wearing black Zella leggings every day of my life with tunics and wedges, in hopes to elongate my legs...I look at other moms who "bounce back" in 3 months and I hate them...you freak of nature bitches. A friend said to me about a week ago, " well, Hannah, those freaks are celebrities mostly who have lots of money and can afford trainers and nutritionists and don't have to work full time!" Well....MY HUSBAND IS A FUCKING TRAINER AND NUTRITION ADVISER AND I DON'T WORK FULL TIME!! what's my excuse?!

So that, and an article I read in Oxygen Magazine about my high school girlfriend, Shannon, who has two kids, got in shape for a bikini competition and now has a damn fitness empire (Shannon you rock!), got me changing some things. First, I started listening to my husband and his coaches Cara and Natasha about fitness and nutrition. I signed up for the Excalibur Bikini Competition, and I started prepping my food on Sundays for the entire week. I also announced on Facebook to my 900 closest friends about my future fitness challenge, and I started this blog to help keep me accountable. I have survived the first week with several already planned festivities; I brought my own food or ate before. I have to be honest and say that some people get weird when you say you're doing this...like, they start to feel bad about themselves and then you feel bad that you made them feel bad, but then you say to yourself, " fuck 'em, I want a hot body."

Here's to the 2nd week and staying consistent, motivated and working my ass off...literally :)

-Insane Bikini Momma