Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I Can't Even Title This...Kids, Moms, Dogs, Cars, Life...The End.


First, Id like to say a couple things..... 1) Why does my dog continuously have to shit outside my bedroom window so when I open my curtains to see the sun light I see dog shit. 2) Why do little girls change 9 million times and ask 10 million questions and 3) Whoever said you could eat "anything in moderation" lied their asses off.

I'd like to point out that cars are amazing things by the way...they're adorable, you get to pick a cute one out, they get you to fabulous places, you dont have to take public transportation, but then one morning you wake up to find that your car hates you and wont work so you have to shlep your almost 2 year old son and 5 year old niece to Pep Boys where the boy is running throughout the aisles throwing funnels everywhere while the girl is trying to help and grab him, however, because the boy is too heavy, the girl is dragging him by the neck while he's screaming, all while trying to explain to guy at the maintenance counter that you're having problems...clearly not just car problems.

Let's also talk about "baby carts". Trader Joes is so amazing....they oh so kindly offer a small version of your cart for your crazy child to use while you shop. This is the WORST invention ever. Where they once sat in the available seat in YOUR cart, they now want their own cart to push through the aisles. I initially thought, "oh how cute".. now I want to burn those fucking things. Colton runs through Trader Joes throwing any food items he can reach into the cart...the strawberries are always at an amazing child level, so when he throws those in there, they bust open and go everywhere...but no biggie, Colton's not worried, he'll just eat them off the floor while Trader Joes people are coming up to me asking me if I "need help" ummmm ya think?! I need lots of help...like Xanax help with a shot of Patron....I then collect my child and take the baby cart away and he then proceeds to scream the rest of the time we spend there. It's super awesome....especially when they offer 5 feet of stickers at checkout...like, ya...lets go tag my car interior with all that shit.

If you have a toddler son and you're trying to plant a veggie garden this is a bad idea. You also should NOT let his grandmother give him two toy swords as a gift.....see action sword pic below....


..Mom, are you crazy?!....these will become weapons of mass destruction. I will definitely be bringing these back to your house so he can annihilate your calves with them :)

What I've learned about little girls and little boys thus far..... boys fuck up shit...they can't just hand you something.... they want to throw it at your face.  Girls fuck with your mind. And sleep like this.....with jewels on...


Clearly I'm 7 weeks out to my bikini show and a little edgy. Going to places like the "Packing House" and not being able to indulge in any of the amazing treats makes for a sad day, however, I'm one of those people that for some reason has to ALWAYS be busy. I need challenges and chaos. Maybe it's from growing up in a house with 6 people and 1 bathroom. My mom wont admit it, but she's the same way. Speaking of my mom, she's super talented and creative...she's like a hot hippie abstract painter married to a judge with abs...its kind of hysterical. She lives on a ranch with horses and she's a power woman...she can do anything....except understand my eating habits. While visiting her last week we went to lunch. I brought my Tupperware lunch as bikini chicks do and as the waiter approached me asking what I'd like to order, I kindly said, "I wont be ordering any food, thanks." She then proceeded to tell the waiter that I'm on a "funky, weird mom diet." Did we need to share that? For those of you who dont know my mom let me give you a little back story. My mom says anything that's on her mind..she doesn't hold back or filter....sound familiar? ;)

While growing up, she told the other moms in the PTA that "Jack Hannah, the animal guy made her moist." One time she saw Mike Rowe, the guy from the show "Dirty Jobs" (you know, the hot scruffy guy) in an elevator and looked at him and said, "Mike Rowe?" he said, "Yes" and she continued with "Have I got a dirty job for you." I also recall a very uncomfortable situation where she told a male flight attendant that if he was any cuter "we'd be slipping and sliding in here." Geezus.....she also somehow picks up an accent if talking to someone with one....If you're Irish, she's Irish.

Mom, you need a roast...I love you, but please dont ever make scallop potatoes for me ever again..I liked those when I was 9 and stop having Costco's red velvet cake readily available on the counter when we come home. My 34 year old ass cant handle it. XO.

Insane Bikini Momma







Monday, June 2, 2014

My Child Is Insane, Why Am I Doing Another Bikini Show, And There Are Two Types Of Vaginas.


I know, long ass title...but I have soooo much to talk about! Its been forever....the idea of having a blog where you update people each week about your personal life is kind of ridiculous when I can barely return a phone call. First off, why in the hell am I so busy?! I swear I do this shit to myself....I cant say no, I over commit, and honestly I'm running my child all over town to do mobile tans for the rich and famous in Newport for $55 dollars. Is it REALLY worth the trouble?! the 55 fwy alone makes me want to jump off a cliff.

 Secondly, to make it more exciting, I have agreed to take my 5 year old niece 5 days a week until August when she starts Kindergarten. Today was day 1....Let me just say I have a whole new respect for people with more than one child. Colton typically plays outside by himself in his new "Baby House" as he likes to call it. And talks to the dog, torments some rolly polly's, and pretends to put my keys into his "Baby Car"...With Peyton there it's whole new game. She brings a backpack over with 10 fucking Elsa dolls and Colton "cant play" with one! They're apparently all really special, so she says no and he hits her and then she tells on him and then he throws the dolls. This probably happens 9 times a day. They like to play house outside, that is until she takes the car keys or he throws the fake food all over the place, and then my poor dog is somehow shoved in the house and theyre both riding him. I mean, seriously...these kids are crazy and I spend more time telling them to shut the fuck up in a really nice, patient way than I do getting anything done in my house while theyre supposed to "keep each other company." That's a total joke....Although, Peyton is extremely helpful letting me know that my child has shit his pants, because "he really stinks."

On another note, I am almost 12 weeks out to my 2nd bikini show. I keep trying to remember why I decided to do this again and I just cant come up with anything..I guess it's pretty much the fact that a few women at our gym are doing it so why not jump in. I almost feel like this time around is harder because I dont necessarily hate my body this time. I mean, we can all work on some stuff....my ass could be tighter, and of course I could have more abs, but my drive is lacking a bit. I told myself Im working on my head this week to get prepared for extra conditioning and food prepping. One thing I am excited about is that i've just recently incorporated spinning a couple days a week. My sister, Amanda, is a spin instructor at Cycle Lab in Anaheim Hills and its kinda awesome....not as awesome as Train Insane Gym, but I have to support and she has great legs so why not?...Not sure if anyone has actually tried Spinning before but it's pretty much dark with club lights and crazy music and it's friggin hard and I kinda felt like I needed to blood dope and the seats were rough on my vagina...but my legs were burnin, so I went with it.

And while were on the vagina subject...I had a conversation tonight with a couple tanning clients about how many vaginas I must see on a weekly basis and how I must see so many types. I see a lot....I also have 3 sisters so none of this is new...Im here to tell you...in case you're wondering if yours is weird ...that there are 2 different vaginas in the world (stop it, you know you want to know). Typically this is great conversation with friends at a party while drinking A LOT of wine, but since I'm almost an MD, I'm happy to educate....

1) The Zipper- this would be Amanda...Oh, did I say that out loud? these are the cutest. they're like neatly put together, everything's tucked nicely away and these bitches haven't had kids.

2) The Picaboo- Just like it sounds...peaks out, a little extra foliage, the doors are slightly open....and this is the most common.

So for all of you that don't have sisters or don't belong to a nudist colony, and wondered whether yours is like everyone else's...Don't worry, it is.

Nothin is off limits ;)

Insane Bikini Momma

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Calories in Juicing!


I know juicing is the popular thing to do right now for obvious reasons, but if you're a calorie counter like me, you may find it hard to track the calories in juicing, so I did a little research and here's an easy way!!

You lose fiber when juicing, so log everything you're putting in the juicer and then multiply the total grams of fiber by 4 ( because there are 4 calories in one gram of fiber) and then subtract that from your total calories. You will then get a pretty good idea! Now, its a lot of carbs and sugar if you're incorporating fruits to sweeten the greens up, so be careful! I mix half water and half juice so I get more of it for less calories....just a thought ....hopefully this helps someone out there! 


Insane Bikini Momma

Insane Bikini Momma's Vanilla Almond Protein Bars!



I think I've mastered this recipe!!!

 Two of these squares is a perfect snack, especially between your Insane Nutrition meals ;)




  1 1/2 cups quick oats
  1/4 cup almond meal
  1/2 cup baking splenda.
  2 scoops trader joes vanilla whey protein
  1/2 cup water
  2 eggs
  2 egg-whites
  1 teaspoon almond extract
  1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract.

I put the oats in my food processor and made oat flour (cheaper ;). Then I just combined all dry ingredients with the eggs, egg-whites, water and extracts. If you are not an almond extract fan, you can reverse the measurements and make the vanilla the 1 teaspoon and almond the 1/2. I just happen to love anything almond, marzipan, sugar cookie tasting! Put in the oven for about 15-20 minutes at 350.

1 square-( This recipe makes 12 servings/squares :)

76 calories
2.9 g fat
8.4 g carbs
4.8 g protein

ENJOY!!!!

Insane Bikini Momma

Monday, January 6, 2014

Pictures Of My Insane Bikini Momma Transformation Over The Span Of 8 Months.


Crazy to look back on my journey this last year and see how much my body has changed.....it seemed like it took forever, but looking back now time just flew by...





















Insane Bikini Momma



Sunday, January 5, 2014

Post Bikini Show Life...Why I Now Need Therapy.


Hi people out there!!! Do you still exist? Do you think about me? Are you still my follower? Do you wonder what my life is like now? Well, let me answer all your many questions by saying...drum roll please...."I've been one big head case!" - insert laugh here ....honestly, humor is the only thing getting me through these last few weeks. A good laugh, a smile, to make fun of the things we do and the things we put ourselves through. How humor can seriously change your outlook on things. To laugh at ourselves is an act of letting go and moving on...I believe it anyway!

When I think about the last 7 months of my life a couple things come to mind....I made some changes, put myself to the test, just about tortured my body until it couldn't handle anymore, ate like I was living on a deserted island and fulfilled my goal of being a bikini babe on stage. Then what happened was Christmas and New Years and lots of eating and sugar and wine and all of the things I left behind for so long and taking time off the gym to spend the holidays up north with my family. When I vented to anyone about how I had completely lost motivation after the show and just wanted to eat everything in sight, their response was, " Well, Hannah you have been killing yourself for a long time and you DESERVE some time off." Here's what I learned about the word "Deserve" when applied to health and fitness........your body doesn't care how hard you've worked or for how long. If you lose control and decide you "deserve" a break, you can kiss that cute new butt and toned abs bye bye. How long it takes to transform your body, yet how quickly you can go backwards. It's not fair, the world is cruel, US Weekly airbrushes abs on Jenna Dewan Tatum so we hate ourselves and eat 900 calories a day....oh ....am I getting off point? Well, you get it. Side note:  I could use a little post show therapy.

What I will say is this....I've learned a lot these past few months and when the experts, like my husband (hate to admit it) say that this is a "lifestyle" and it has to be "realistic" they are being super serious. And when experts (like me) say that you NEED A GOAL I'm seriously seriously serious. When my bikini show ended I felt almost lost with nothing to live for (ok, kinda dramatic, but its kinda true). You work so hard for one day and then life goes on and no one but yourself holds you accountable and now I have found that that is the true test. Can you continue, can you maintain this lifestyle? and the answer is no. Because you can't eat rice and turkey and eggwhites at every meal and you can't do 2 hours of cardio a day for the rest of your life, and when you see yourself super lean at your bikini show and 2 weeks later your abs no longer look that lean you feel defeated. But I also took diuretics prior to my show and hardly drank water and ate tablespoons of jam, which im still questioning....BUT,you can't live that way forever.

SO, the new goal for me and for you if you want it is to find a realistic way of living, still being aware of food and how much you consume and making a commitment to train at least 4 days a week and on a 5th day do something outside. As well as, prepping food for the week on Sundays or paying Insane Nutrition (sorry, had to plug it) to cook and prep for you. Avoid eating out because you really have no way of tracking it and try and live by the 90/10 rule. During the month, you eat 90% perfect and 10% fun so if you break that down you get 3 days a month that you can enjoy a cheat meal, so you figure about one day a weekend. If you've been thinking about something go get it, but until that day stay focused. You still get to indulge but you've planned it. Maybe it's that bridal shower you're planning to attend or a date night at the movies.

This last week I stopped feeling sorry for myself and moved forward. I have new personal goals which I've written down in a journal as well as making a list of all the things I like about working out (Thank you Alice). That way if I'm being lazy I can look at my list and remember why I need to go. I also made a decision to cut out dairy because it bugs me and my tummy was so much happier without it. My meal plan has similar foods as I was eating during my show, however, Ive incorporated a little more realistic items that I enjoy like Trader Joes Coconut Cranberry Granola with Vanilla Coconut Milk....might sound gross but I love anything coconut. I just make sure to only eat one serving of each and that it fits into the totals Geoff has set up for me.

Life is short, no one is perfect. We all have our shit....some talk about it (clearly me) others aren't so verbal. We are all walking around trying to be the best versions of ourselves....some of us will accomplish our goals and others will remain the same. I know firsthand how you MUST do the work to make the changes. It won't happen overnight (it took me 7 long weeks to see any changes) but if we continue and don't give up it will happen and it's a really amazing feeling when it does. I choose to not beat myself up for any poor choices I have made in the last couple weeks and work on finding a balance.....oh, and Jenna Dewan Tatum really? lunges and calf raises across the baby nursery while rocking your child to sleep? .....ya, how much sleep were you getting with that 24 hour nanny? Just sayin....love your show, but wtf.

Insane Bikini Momma






Thursday, December 19, 2013

Season Finale- Bikini Shows Are Hysterical, The Spin Bike Gave Me Hemorroids And I Need This Magda Tan To Fade Like Now.


OMG where do I even begin.......

First off, how has 6 months come and gone?! As I lie here thinking about my life during my "bikini momma transformation", a lot of emotions hit me....I honestly don't know how I managed my life and the training and the eating and the baby all at once. I put the "can't complain, gotta keep going, can't give up, don't feel sorry for myself" hat on and managed to survive I guess. I had to ask for help and call in favors and kinda live a little selfishly during the process. My business partner had to take on more responsibilities, Colton had to sometimes be shlepped to and from friends and families houses and miss naps, and my husband had to deal with the fact that he was pretty much getting ignored unless I had a food or workout question. Everyone worked hard to make sure I succeeded and I couldn't have done it without them. I have to say that I'm almost sad it's over....is that nuts?! Geez....what the fuck is wrong with me....lets move on to the show gossip...that's way more exciting.

Let me start on the night before the show.....we packed all our crap, drove to Culver City, checked in to our hotel (which by the way, the Doubletree made us sign a waiver that we wouldnt spray tan in the hotel room and if we did it was a $500 fine...let's just say I hope they don't turn the sheets over or move the vanity chair...shit....).

We had to meet for check in's at 630pm so the people in charge could look at our suits and make sure our bottoms covered at least half our ass, which no one ever checked by the way. They measured me for height class and somehow I lost an inch and a half making it into the 5'4-5'6 category (I swear im 5'7 but whatever). There were perfect body bitches everywhere, bad tans galore, and hotel front desk people who were looking around like they were observing circus animals. We carb loaded all night, hardly drank any water and got like 3 hours of sleep before we had to wake up for makeup and hair by 4am the next morning.

Oh wait, I forgot the part where Geoff drove me to Target so I could buy a funnel to pee in.....you can really fuck up a tan while peeing...but we'll get to that again later.

I'd like to put this out there....the tan used for our competition is NOT the solution we use to tan our clients! We are not in denial, we don't think that looked good, it's the color you must have for those bright stage lights, but seriously people....those pics are bad for business!! Ahhhh!!

Oh, did I mention I got hemorroids from the spin bike? No? well, I'm all about a good overshare.

Let me next say that these crazy chicks backstage at the show were pretty intense. PEOPLE BROUGHT THEIR OWN TALL LENGTH MIRRORS AND CARRIED THEM AROUND!!! Like, so they could just set up anywhere and have a place to primp. Some girls were using them to walk up to and practice posing (and taking up half the fucking walkway), others would walk away for a minute so I'd steal some time in their mirror and they'd return looking at me like, "what the fuck?!" and I'd look at them like, "ummm, I'm sorry but you left your mirror alone...soooo I stole some time." Geez.....

My sister told me at the show that her boyfriend's ex girlfriend was also competing and like a good big sister I scoped the chick out. I told her, "dont worry, shes not that cute...kinda has a flat ass"....ya, well then  later....she won the show :/  Fuck...sorry Bear. You're still better.

So the pee funnel came in handy, because there were more pee accidents on these bikini girls than you can even imagine.There was a spot outside where there were airbrush ladies fixing and buffing out pee streaks before girls hit the stage....it was hysterical and kinda awesome, especially if they had better bodies than you. (For all you who are confused about the peeing problem...let me break it down..when you have no hair down there your pee has nothing to catch on to hence sending some trickles down all different directions and wiping out your fresh tan).

Well, I worked my shit on stage, hungry, yet full of rice cakes and honey and managed to not fall and kill myself in 4 inch heels with a sprained ankle. I have no idea where I placed, but didn't get called out for the top 5 (I told Geoff it's ok if I never know...If I got last place I'll cry, so we'll stay in denial for now and say I placed 6th in my group). I didn't sign up to beat a bunch of competitive girls that have made this a profession. I did this to push myself and make some changes. I do feel like a winner in the end of all this. I had a sassy little photo shoot, I got to wear a blingy pink bikini with heels, I have a whole new body, I'm healthier, I don't crave bad food anymore, I'm excited to go to the gym (ONLY 4 DAYS A WEEK!), and I'm just happier! I feel good in clothes and I have more energy to chase around my crazy child.

Here's to maintaining this new me and finding a balance again, planning cheat days so I feel like a human being and continuing my success in and out of the gym. Geoff and I will be planning a free seminar at the gym to anyone interested on finding out how I got in shape and what my food looked like. If you're in the Orange County area and interested let us know so I keep you on our invite list!

I want to say thank you so much to everyone for all the support and encouragement on my blog and facebook. I couldn't have done it without all my amazing cheerleaders. I will be continuing my blog about fitness and food, as well as, incorporating beauty while attempting to make you laugh! So stay tuned!!!! And dont be afraid to follow me!! :)

Some pics from my shoot and the show.....in case I didn't blow up Facebook enough ;)












 And dont forget...just 8 months ago this was me......


And this is what I wanted to look like.....






And this is what I did......






Insane Bikini Momma