Tuesday, November 18, 2014
1) Contractions are nothing....you will need an epidural for the pain of no sleep when you actually take that kid home.
2) When your mother tells you to scrub with a hard loofah on your tits to prepare your nipples for nursing...she's not lying.
3) When you're begging your child to walk, just shut the fuck up.
4) Dont EVER wear white again...your kid will shit and barf all over it in two seconds. Black tho?.. they wont touch that.
5) The bumbo chair is a piece of crap and a waste of $30 bucks....your kids fat thighs wont fit in there.
6) You'll feel like you want to buy every food processor on the market to make homemade baby food, but then you'll realize that shit is ridiculously time consuming, clean up is horrible, and where the fuck do you store it in your tiny freezer?!
7) Babies hate hats...that little newsie page boy hat is so adorable, but they'll pull it off in three seconds and throw you the bird. And little girl bows? Cute, but remember that the kid weighs 12 lbs, so the flower should weigh less....just sayin.
8) All toys are annoying as fuck...bats, balls, play sets, puzzles....it's all just horrifying. SHIT is everywhere...for birthdays and holidays ask for clothes, an ipad and a dvd player for your car.
9) Your car will turn into a kid mobile full of toys, stroller parts, food, spilled milk and poop....So, when you ask for that new Lexus or Kia "push present" you need to get your head out of your ass.
10) You will now have exactly 5 minutes to shower, brush your hair, put your makeup on and get dressed...OH! but also...that 5 minutes includes getting your kid dressed too. READY SET GO!
11) When your kid takes a bath, it will be the only 10 minutes of peace you will have so just ignore the fact that your kid will splash water everywhere and turn your bathroom into a pool...you will learn not to give a shit....
12) Buy a dog or clean up is a bitch.
13) You will stab any neighbor that wakes your child in the night with a party or barking dog. You will now officially be 100 years old.
14) Do you love TV? Good luck with that shit...Oh, and Netflix? That's so cute that you think you can watch a series back to back without commercials....your child is a never ending commercial.
15) OMG! Your house is so adorable! I love the chandelier candles and cute trays with flowers on your ottoman....you should pack everything up and throw it into oncoming traffic....
16) Make sure you have keys to every lock in the house, because kids love to lock everything and if there are no windows to climb into, you are screeeeeewed.
17) Local businesses that provide kids with entertainment, like bounce houses, open play wharehouses, Gymboree, preschool, train parks, and zoo's will rape the shit out of you. They just know youre desperate. And you sadly, wont find any class that's titled, "Drink wine with friends while we play with your child."
18) Don't give your child food choices....they will abuse you. Also, dont EVER get your child anything out of a Starbucks or Coffee Bean cup....their lips cant figure it out.
19) Oh, you want to be one of those parents whose kid is gonna just fit into their schedule...aka date nights, lunches, movies, fun outings...HAVE YOU ACTUALLY TRIED THAT??!!!!!! IT IS HORRIBLE. Just schedule a root canal....super close comparison.
20) DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT decorate for Christmas until your child is 10. Toddlers will take a bat to your tree and run with your lights....
Saturday, August 16, 2014
I spoke with a few girls last night who all said the same thing about prepping food....Either it was too time consuming, too difficult or the chicken, rice and veggies they've been making now make them gag. What I LOVE about cooking food each week is that I make it my own! I find recipes I like that remind me of food I enjoy, so it's fun and not horrible! Remember, you dont have to starve yourself or go carb free! You just have to portion out your meals and make them work within your calories!! I eat carbs! Don't let them scare you....You just need to eat according to your goals and activity level...A balanced diet is the best because it's realistic and you can stick to it! And a crock pot is a must have! That thing saves my life on a weekly basis.
Here are a few of my favorite easy recipes:
1) Skinny Crock Pot Chicken Pot Pie- only adjustment I make is I use chicken breasts, not thighs and you can buy the 90 calorie Reduced Fat Crescent rolls instead of Biscuits for a few less calories.
2) Crock Pot Salsa Chicken- Literally a package or two of chicken breasts and your favorite salsa! Cook overnight on low and drain, shred and eat! Perfect protein for salads, taco bowls or corn tortilla tacos!
3) Crock Pot BBQ Pulled Pork- 1 cup of your favorite BBQ sauce, 1/2 cup water and 2 lean pork loins. Same instructions as Salsa Chicken....pair with brown rice and grilled corn, make a sandwich on a wheat roll and a side of fruit or make a southwestern salad!
4) Overnight Oats- These are delicious and if you don't do dairy, Coconut or Almond milk is yummy! Play around with all the recipes and find the perfect one for you.
5)Anything Jamie Eason! She has bars, breads, and turkey meatloaf muffins!
6) Check out my girlfriend Shannon's website where you can find a ton of super easy clean recipes! She is a total fit mom who has great meals for the busy mom on the go! Plus some healthy kid friendly snacks too!
7) Insane Bikini Momma's Protein Chocolate Cupcakes- love 2 of these in the morning with coffee!
2 cup Quaker oats, 2 cups So Delicious Coconut Milk or Almond Milk, 2 scoops chocolate protein powder ( Costco Cytosport is awesome), 1 banana, and 1/4 c splenda or stevia. Mix in food processor or blender and pour into a 12 cupcake pan. Bake at 350 for about 25 minutes. To make frosting- 2 scoops chocolate protein powder, 2 tablespoons coconut flour and 1/8 cup splenda or stevia. Mix with small amount of water to get consistency to your liking. These are soooo good and just a side note... If u drizzle a teaspoon of natural peanut butter on top its like heaven . Makes 12 cupcakes...118 calories each. 2.8 grams fat, 14.4 carbs, 10.9 protein ( with my protein powder) ** this does not count the amazing peanut butter if you choose to really indulge in food porn.
8) No Bake Peanut Butter Balls- These are like dessert!
Insane Bikini Momma
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
Geez, this last week was hysterical...like, seriously am I living on another planet and why the fuck do people need to make a mothers life more difficult. I mean, "Hellooooo...do you not see what im workin with here?"
I decided to branch out and try some new things with the kids. Went on some website where 100 inexpensive things to do with your kids was listed, however, an outing to Ikea may be reaching a bit. German horse meatballs and fake living rooms dont seem like much fun and definitely not cheap cause ill leave with 10 new pillows and a "fight with your husband all night putting together dumb ass Ikea shit" book shelf or storage unit.
We first tried Sky Zone in Anaheim and they pretty much hate people...I mean, I dont blame them, but if youre gonna make me sign a 12 page liability release form please don't also harass me about all your damn rules and ask me to "take off my hat" because I could "break someone's neck" with it. I mean, go fuck yourself...I haven't washed my hair in 3 days because I cant get a minute to myself without a small child coming in to annihilate the bathroom, but you wouldn't know about that because you're 17 and your mom still does your laundry......this hat is staying on.....................let's just say Sky Zone didn't go well....and I need wine.
Then there was Tanaka Farms...that fuckin place....$18 bucks for a watermelon tour..where you get to "pick your own watermelon." My name tag even said that..."I got to PICK my own watermelon" But what they dont tell you, is you really don't. After tasting a few garden veggies, one being Cilantro (who just eats a hand full of that without a taco?), you got to walk through a watermelon field, and at the end of it there was a pile of watermelons that were HANDED to you. Like, I stood there waiting for some woman to give me a watermelon and why were the ones growing friggin enormous while we got one that looked like the mini sugar babies sold at Trader Joes with 2 in a bag?! WTF? This chick even says, "Now, everyone hold your watermelons close to your heart because if you drop it I cant guarantee we can get you another one"....Bitch, there's a whole field here!..... And why did my husband just turn on the worst porn to fuck with me while I write my blog...Anyway, moving on.
Then there was the local Irvine pool....packed up the car and drove over....food-check, diapers-check, sunscreen-check, towels-shit, floaties- fuck. I am the worst mother ever...I forgot the actual pool necessities, but not to worry there's a Target down the street. Get in, go buy, shove kids in and out of car, finally get back to pool and the 15 year old lifeguard tells me "no floaties allowed." This is where I lose my shit and turn into a psycho person. My kid also managed to re-open his chin wound at this pool after sitting in the emergency room the week before getting it glued back together. Come to find out it's too late for stitches and my kid will have some big scar and his chin modeling career is over. Oh and he apparently eats EOS lip balm while I drive (please see cleaned plate below)........Geezus.
Then there's my training and food prepping and life as a bikini mom....several women say things to me like, "I wish I had the time, but I just feel guilty leaving my child to go to the gym." Well, does it make me a horrible person that I don't feel bad at all?? Like, I'm counting down the hours some days?? I am all about Colton all the time, but can a mom just plug that ipod into her ears and hear NOTHING else but "Breath of Life" by Florence and The Machine?!!
And then there's my 5 year old niece who wants to listen to #10 on the "Frozen" album in the car on repeat aaaaallll daaaaaay loooooong, and her volume is like a thousand, and she needs a "low ponytail" re-done 9 times a day. My aunt just asked me today if I could be guaranteed a girl would we have another baby....ummmmm NO!!!! There is not enough room in this house for another high maintenance, lipstick wearing, ponytail doing, 2 hour long outfit changing female. Like Jenny McCarthy said, "I know my limits."
Insane Bikini Momma
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
First, Id like to say a couple things..... 1) Why does my dog continuously have to shit outside my bedroom window so when I open my curtains to see the sun light I see dog shit. 2) Why do little girls change 9 million times and ask 10 million questions and 3) Whoever said you could eat "anything in moderation" lied their asses off.
I'd like to point out that cars are amazing things by the way...they're adorable, you get to pick a cute one out, they get you to fabulous places, you dont have to take public transportation, but then one morning you wake up to find that your car hates you and wont work so you have to shlep your almost 2 year old son and 5 year old niece to Pep Boys where the boy is running throughout the aisles throwing funnels everywhere while the girl is trying to help and grab him, however, because the boy is too heavy, the girl is dragging him by the neck while he's screaming, all while trying to explain to guy at the maintenance counter that you're having problems...clearly not just car problems.
Let's also talk about "baby carts". Trader Joes is so amazing....they oh so kindly offer a small version of your cart for your crazy child to use while you shop. This is the WORST invention ever. Where they once sat in the available seat in YOUR cart, they now want their own cart to push through the aisles. I initially thought, "oh how cute".. now I want to burn those fucking things. Colton runs through Trader Joes throwing any food items he can reach into the cart...the strawberries are always at an amazing child level, so when he throws those in there, they bust open and go everywhere...but no biggie, Colton's not worried, he'll just eat them off the floor while Trader Joes people are coming up to me asking me if I "need help" ummmm ya think?! I need lots of help...like Xanax help with a shot of Patron....I then collect my child and take the baby cart away and he then proceeds to scream the rest of the time we spend there. It's super awesome....especially when they offer 5 feet of stickers at checkout...like, ya...lets go tag my car interior with all that shit.
If you have a toddler son and you're trying to plant a veggie garden this is a bad idea. You also should NOT let his grandmother give him two toy swords as a gift.....see action sword pic below....
..Mom, are you crazy?!....these will become weapons of mass destruction. I will definitely be bringing these back to your house so he can annihilate your calves with them :)
What I've learned about little girls and little boys thus far..... boys fuck up shit...they can't just hand you something.... they want to throw it at your face. Girls fuck with your mind. And sleep like this.....with jewels on...
Clearly I'm 7 weeks out to my bikini show and a little edgy. Going to places like the "Packing House" and not being able to indulge in any of the amazing treats makes for a sad day, however, I'm one of those people that for some reason has to ALWAYS be busy. I need challenges and chaos. Maybe it's from growing up in a house with 6 people and 1 bathroom. My mom wont admit it, but she's the same way. Speaking of my mom, she's super talented and creative...she's like a hot hippie abstract painter married to a judge with abs...its kind of hysterical. She lives on a ranch with horses and she's a power woman...she can do anything....except understand my eating habits. While visiting her last week we went to lunch. I brought my Tupperware lunch as bikini chicks do and as the waiter approached me asking what I'd like to order, I kindly said, "I wont be ordering any food, thanks." She then proceeded to tell the waiter that I'm on a "funky, weird mom diet." Did we need to share that? For those of you who dont know my mom let me give you a little back story. My mom says anything that's on her mind..she doesn't hold back or filter....sound familiar? ;)
While growing up, she told the other moms in the PTA that "Jack Hannah, the animal guy made her moist." One time she saw Mike Rowe, the guy from the show "Dirty Jobs" (you know, the hot scruffy guy) in an elevator and looked at him and said, "Mike Rowe?" he said, "Yes" and she continued with "Have I got a dirty job for you." I also recall a very uncomfortable situation where she told a male flight attendant that if he was any cuter "we'd be slipping and sliding in here." Geezus.....she also somehow picks up an accent if talking to someone with one....If you're Irish, she's Irish.
Mom, you need a roast...I love you, but please dont ever make scallop potatoes for me ever again..I liked those when I was 9 and stop having Costco's red velvet cake readily available on the counter when we come home. My 34 year old ass cant handle it. XO.
Insane Bikini Momma
Monday, June 2, 2014
I know, long ass title...but I have soooo much to talk about! Its been forever....the idea of having a blog where you update people each week about your personal life is kind of ridiculous when I can barely return a phone call. First off, why in the hell am I so busy?! I swear I do this shit to myself....I cant say no, I over commit, and honestly I'm running my child all over town to do mobile tans for the rich and famous in Newport for $55 dollars. Is it REALLY worth the trouble?! the 55 fwy alone makes me want to jump off a cliff.
Secondly, to make it more exciting, I have agreed to take my 5 year old niece 5 days a week until August when she starts Kindergarten. Today was day 1....Let me just say I have a whole new respect for people with more than one child. Colton typically plays outside by himself in his new "Baby House" as he likes to call it. And talks to the dog, torments some rolly polly's, and pretends to put my keys into his "Baby Car"...With Peyton there it's whole new game. She brings a backpack over with 10 fucking Elsa dolls and Colton "cant play" with one! They're apparently all really special, so she says no and he hits her and then she tells on him and then he throws the dolls. This probably happens 9 times a day. They like to play house outside, that is until she takes the car keys or he throws the fake food all over the place, and then my poor dog is somehow shoved in the house and theyre both riding him. I mean, seriously...these kids are crazy and I spend more time telling them to shut the fuck up in a really nice, patient way than I do getting anything done in my house while theyre supposed to "keep each other company." That's a total joke....Although, Peyton is extremely helpful letting me know that my child has shit his pants, because "he really stinks."
On another note, I am almost 12 weeks out to my 2nd bikini show. I keep trying to remember why I decided to do this again and I just cant come up with anything..I guess it's pretty much the fact that a few women at our gym are doing it so why not jump in. I almost feel like this time around is harder because I dont necessarily hate my body this time. I mean, we can all work on some stuff....my ass could be tighter, and of course I could have more abs, but my drive is lacking a bit. I told myself Im working on my head this week to get prepared for extra conditioning and food prepping. One thing I am excited about is that i've just recently incorporated spinning a couple days a week. My sister, Amanda, is a spin instructor at Cycle Lab in Anaheim Hills and its kinda awesome....not as awesome as Train Insane Gym, but I have to support and she has great legs so why not?...Not sure if anyone has actually tried Spinning before but it's pretty much dark with club lights and crazy music and it's friggin hard and I kinda felt like I needed to blood dope and the seats were rough on my vagina...but my legs were burnin, so I went with it.
And while were on the vagina subject...I had a conversation tonight with a couple tanning clients about how many vaginas I must see on a weekly basis and how I must see so many types. I see a lot....I also have 3 sisters so none of this is new...Im here to tell you...in case you're wondering if yours is weird ...that there are 2 different vaginas in the world (stop it, you know you want to know). Typically this is great conversation with friends at a party while drinking A LOT of wine, but since I'm almost an MD, I'm happy to educate....
1) The Zipper- this would be Amanda...Oh, did I say that out loud? these are the cutest. they're like neatly put together, everything's tucked nicely away and these bitches haven't had kids.
2) The Picaboo- Just like it sounds...peaks out, a little extra foliage, the doors are slightly open....and this is the most common.
So for all of you that don't have sisters or don't belong to a nudist colony, and wondered whether yours is like everyone else's...Don't worry, it is.
Nothin is off limits ;)
Insane Bikini Momma
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
I know juicing is the popular thing to do right now for obvious reasons, but if you're a calorie counter like me, you may find it hard to track the calories in juicing, so I did a little research and here's an easy way!!
You lose fiber when juicing, so log everything you're putting in the juicer and then multiply the total grams of fiber by 4 ( because there are 4 calories in one gram of fiber) and then subtract that from your total calories. You will then get a pretty good idea! Now, its a lot of carbs and sugar if you're incorporating fruits to sweeten the greens up, so be careful! I mix half water and half juice so I get more of it for less calories....just a thought ....hopefully this helps someone out there!
Insane Bikini Momma